There are many chances in my life that I missed out of fear. I have a pathological phobia of looking stupid, being wrong or getting rejected and would always rather say, or do, nothing than risk all that. Recently, I came across something bigger than myself. Something I cared about more; enough to put myself out there. So I sent a midnight message. A message that made me vulnerable. A message that made me look totally fucking stupid.
Now, it’s a bit soon to say, but from that message came one of the best things in my life. Whatever happens tomorrow, it was worth the risk of looking stupid. And do you know what? Even if it hadn’t worked out this way, even if I had been shot down there and then, I am certain it would have been worth knowing.
So, this is my journey right now. Learning to guess, learning to ask, to play, to make mistakes. Learning to learn and grow. There have been too many times in my life where I knew what was right but didn’t trust in myself and stayed quiet rather than potentially be wrong, where I wasn’t sure but dare not ask, where I said no when I really wanted to say yes, where I ran away from instead of running to people, where I simply did nothing. And whilst I try not to carry too many regrets with me, the ones I do have are when I did nothing, or said nothing or was just scared.
I’ll be 30 in a few days and I think we humans are funny little things with how we put extraordinary meanings on totally mundane and very ordinary things. But here I am, following the trend and spending a lot of time introspecting and looking at my life and myself and whilst I am sitting here talking about something (and something quite big) I want to work on, I am incredibly happy with where I find myself at 30. Considering the chances I missed, the mistakes I made and the numerous ways I tried to destroy my own happiness I have ended up somewhere wonderful.