I am pretty content with myself these days. I suffered a lot with self loathing as a teenager but luckily I started to grow out of it naturally in my early to mid twenties. However even in the last 7 years, whilst living in Malta, I’ve gone through periods of time (mainly linked to that time I developed adult acne out of nowhere) where I was consumed by the way I looked and the way I came across. I dived into my shell and for quite a few years I wouldn’t even go to the beach without a full face of make up and was too shy to speak much even to people I knew well, for fear of sounding like an idiot.
2016 was a big turning point for me and I kind of fell in love with myself for the first time ever. Don’t take that out of context; I don’t think I am beautiful or perfect, not at all, but I’ve come to terms with how I look and who I am and waste time only worrying about those things that I can fix (like my tendency to be a little selfish), rather than things I can’t (like my face). Of course I could get fit, I could have a nicer ass or more toned arms, I could get my teeth fixed but for the most part I am happy with the way I look. I can go out in public without makeup and be fine with that, I don’t even consider what other people might be thinking because I realised, finally, that everyone is way to caught up in themselves to be looking that closely at anyone else.
I’ve actually found that since my self doubt and insecurities have faded I have a lot more time. I never realised how many minutes and hours a day I’d lose to just worrying and obsessing about how I looked, or how I sounded. I’d go over something I’d said a hundred times wondering if people thought it was funny enough or if they thought I was strange or boring or stupid or a combination of all three. I’d be worrying about whether I was showing my teeth too much, or talking too much or too little, am I laughing too often, are they bored, should I listen more, am I looking at them enough. It was exhausting just writing that sentence so it’s no wonder that I feel so different now that my brain isn’t operating at that level of neurosis any longer.
But still, even now, I have better and worse days. Some days I just think UGH why can’t my teeth be smaller and whiter, my eyes less bulging, my butt more pert, my brows more naturally full, my boobs bigger, my voice less annoying. So I appreciate the good days and any day I feel particularly good I snap a selfie because it makes me feel great, whether I share it or not.
That was a whole lot of words to justify why I’m sharing another selfie online.